@actfrench | Hacker News

This is a really good question and one people asked me over and over.

The reason I didn’t go into it more is because when I wrote this post, I was more curious about discovering strategies or hacks others had personally used to find their partner, especially after initially failing.

This is one of the most foreword-thinking, creating online communities solving some of the worlds biggest problems on a global scale. I felt that my post sounded desperate and I was prepared for trolls. But I felt it was worth it to expose myself in this deeply personal way in order to gather insights on problem-solving , specifically love hacks , from such brilliant minds.

I am not the only person with this problem and so I wanted to approach this community of highly creative problem solvers to see if they’d found any solutions I hadn’t thought of.

And then to determine myself if this solution could work for me.

Hearing about people’s personal experiences and from some of the data scientists who have weighed in, has been invaluable. And for that, I am so grateful.

In the beginning of the conversation, I felt that this was the tone: people were giving advice based on their own experiences or from their perspective as programmers and data scientists.

However, as the conversation went on, I felt it became more and more about people analyzing my personal psychology. And people became increasingly insistent I offer up the reasons I did not go on second dates with some people. I felt almost that I was on trial for poor discernment in who I was attracted to or not. Or even, for not being attracted to a particular person, as if that was somehow malevolent on my part.

I’m terms of my personal psychology, I already feel I have support in that area. I have licensed professionals, a therapist, two highly experienced spiritual teachers and very good friends and blunt family members who give me honest, though not always easy to hear feedback.

And I’m far from perfect. As you all saw, while I started answering people graciously, as I got more fatigued , I started to become less gracious, less clear, lost my temper and even spoke to people and about people in a way that was extremely arrogant, dismissive and rude. When I’m tired, I sometimes have a short fuse, and I’m sorry.

(To be clear, I have had overwhelming crushes on men of all shapes and sizes, lots of lovely hair and beautiful smooth heads. You are all handsome in your way.)

When I posted, I was not looking for a deep analysis of my personal psychology or character. And I believe I am not obligated to answer questions about that to a group of strangers.

It did feel a little uncomfortable when people started asking, then if felt, almost demanding, and at times accusing me for why I chose not to go on second dates with 90% of the men I met online.

Certainly, I’ve wondered many times if I’m too selective. And in fact, when I first started dating in my early thirties, I believe I was focused on the wrong things. Since then, I’ve learned that one can really grow to love someone even if there isn’t a spark in the first date - and it’s far better to focus on qualities rather than materialistic things like looks or job.

During my most recent round of dating, I kept a log of every single date I went on. I chose an accountability partner who is cutthroat honest who I told about every experience and why I didn’t want to go on a second date. If she felt the reason was bad, I gave the person another try.

The other reason I did not feel I wanted to share why I didn’t go on second dates, is because I don’t like to disparage others. (Yes, I know it happened in my comments) This post is about my experience, not the men I went out with, who I know will make some woman very happy one day.

Among the reasons I did not go on second dates include sexual harassment, insults, extreme religious views, being rude to a homeless person, overconsumption of alcohol, drug addiction and yes, occasionally bad breath, maybe not fair but it happens. Sometimes, I just wasn’t at all attracted to the person.

I hope this explains my reluctance to not justify the specific reasons I did not go on second dates and I once again thank everyone who weighed in - especially those of you who did volunteer some great, scaleable love hacks :)

Together, through our creative minds and the power of technology, I believe we can solve any problem in the world.

I think that it’s perfectly fine to be up front that you want children to a woman, even the first date - or filtering for woman who also want children.

What is not ok is inferring that they couldn’t have children because of their age or asking very pointed questions about their reproductive health on a first date, especially if they don’t want to volunteer that information to someone they barely know. Don’t you think it would be odd if a woman who you were ok a first date asked you about your sperm count and pressured you to reply if you weren’t able to volunteer that info immediately ?

The other thing is that I am clear about my age and desire to have children in my dating profile, so it’s upsetting to have someone second guess me on a first date…

If a woman is kind and compassionate and honest and not sure about her ability to have kids, when you’ve expressed a strong desire to have them, she’ll take the high road and tell you or leave the relationship.

If you are ready to get more serious with someone and have trust and intimacy built up, it is totally ok to have that conversation.

If it’s helpful, we built a site during the pandemic where we sourced ideas from parents on how to keep kids engaged while working from home. It was #2 on Product Hunt.

Enrichmentactivities.org

My favorite activity is quality time outdoors . If there is any hike you could do, a beach or a park, that’s always a winner. Spending time in nature being physically active is a great way to keep both of you engaged and spending time together. You could also plan a picnic and make recipes together.

Is there something she’d like to make ? Go on YouTube and figure out how to make a boomerang, tie dye shirts, learn to knit, do origami or sew.

Maybe your daughter could even help you with your job search. Kids, especially 11 year olds are whip smart and love to engage in grownup stuff

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the time and energy people have spent being engaged with this and their genuine desire to help.

In terms of action items : I will read the book How To Win Friends, and I’m also going to focus on developing relationships with male friends and dating more. Taking more time to get to know people and they me.

Speaking of being indefatigable, I am quite driven when I want something and it’s hard for me to stop, but especially with some of the more recent comments, I think I’ve reached the fatigued point.

With regards to dates : I went out with an incredible guy today that I met through this post, 10x liked him more than any of the last 90 dates.

He said what drew him is how brave I sounded.

We will see what happens but I’ll going to focus on friendship and being bold. I asked him to hang out again :)

Thanks for your kind words and I look forward to reading the book :)

I will! Thank you!

Yes, lots of insight and personal growth - improved self-confidence, greater happiness, overcoming clinical depression and being happy, clarity about what I wanted, overcoming fear of intimacy, my first big relationship, finding more ability to be myself, making more friends. I'd share them but I'm a little burnt out by sharing so many highly personal details of my life publicly here. All my therapists and coaches seem to like me a lot because I dive into the work and am willing to take feedback.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I've already shared a lot of personal information about myself and I'm not obligated to answer every single question people ask me.

Thank you. I was starting to feel pretty discouraged reading some of these comments, so I appreciate you saying kind things.

Are you suggesting I go on unemployment while I pursue dating? :)

It's a good thought and I've actually spent quite a bit of time practicing in zen communities, participating in sessins and even was a resident at a zen temple for six months. I find Buddhists actually often lead a pretty lonely life. Hasn't done much for my dating life but has helped me in innumerable other ways. I'm also a huge fan of Jesus Chris, Mohammed - and Sufis in general, not a great parallel since it's a mystical branch of Islam, not a prophet, but you get the idea.

That makes a lot of sense. First, it follows the theory of just being friends without the pressure of something long-term. Having time to get to know someone. Also, the number of choices does make things harder.

If putting on a wedding ring attracts guys who want to get married, I'd be pretty surprised. Or kind of curious about why a guy who wants to get married would be going after a married woman! On the other hand, if it leads to friendship without the pressure, why not?

I think being honest with yourself - and others by extension is the key. Someone else won't MAKE you happy. And no one really knows they want to marry and have kids with someone they just met on a first date. It's so hypothetical. So be honest with yourself and that will flow into your relations with others.

So this is interesting..."stop looking and it'll find you." is advice I've heard from so many people, dear friends, spiritual teachers I know and respect.

And yet, I find it virtually impossible to willfully cause myself to "stop looking."

And especially when I'm stop looking in order to find something. I can't pretend that I'm not. And I can't stop trying to find something.

I will add - and this is a little more personal info than I wanted to share - but I've bared so much personal information already, so what the heck, is I say this as someone who has spent over six months living in a zen monastery practicing non-attachment, among other spiritual and psychological exercises.

So how do you stop looking? Is that even possible? Or does it just happen?

Feels like an elephant.

This advice really struck me and I think might allude to something that really has been blocking me from meeting someone. I think that I've had an expectation that guys would immediately know that I was someone that they'd want to spend the rest of their lives with and be really passionate about or else "they just weren't that into me." Maybe call me naive, and I am sure I am, but it's really helpful to see how it works of someone just enjoying time with you, and then after a few months or a year, realizing that they might want to keep doing that for the rest of their lives. This really helps. Thank you.

I don't think I need discouragement.

Someone once said to me, if anyone knew what it was really like to have kids, no one would ever have them! But then after you have them, the LOVE is so great.

Thank you for being kind and for the love you bring to your beautiful children. I am sure they bring and will continue to bring much love back into the world.

Much love back to you, Tomcam.

I love this advice and it definitely makes me feel good:) I agree that focusing on that loving partnership first is important. It's important to me, otherwise I would pursue other ways to have kids. Thanks very much for taking the time to share and to share kind words about me. It does make a difference.

You are a sweetheart. Yeah, I definitely go after the guys with dating profiles that have no preferences and sometimes, no information:) Those ones are usually the outliers.